FEYR

Monstrous Compendium Forgotten Realms Appendix II (TSR, 1991)

A Fun Interpretation Based on the Text

Imagine a squiggly tentacled brain covered in iridescent black oil (giving it a rainbow-colored sheen), with several gold colored eyes, a big unforgiving jaw line, and two large tentacles making the Feyr bipedal.  This, ladies and gentlemen, is what most adventurers call the Feyr.  Now imagine walking down a dark street; You begin to hear foot steps behind you, what do you do? (I'd turn around and probably yell "I don't have any f***ing change, so leave me alone!" because I'm versed with the city) You might turn and run, letting that freaky creature's scary innuendo ruin your new shoes.  

If you tend to be the early bird kind of person, however, you will most likely never meet one of these rare creatures because sunlight will straight up murder them.  The sun is like an assassin to the Feyr like in this scenario: A Feyr sees a humanoid he used to haunt and decides to run out and scare him again for old times sake. BAM! That Feyr is dead because the sun was outside his door, waiting for him.

The Feyr feast on terror and fear, we all know this, but did you know that they are actually quite clever and witty? They are very much like the George Takei of the Monster world; and I do not say this because of their rainbow-like complexion. Have you ever worked 3rd shift?  It is demoralizing, exhausting and can be an extremely lonely time which gives the Feyr plenty of time to become 

one of the quirkiest graveyard shift workers out there today.  If you happen to come across one, it will probably succeed in punking you and then eat your fear, but if you make your saving throw; try and tell it a hilarious joke, your life and it's will become much more interesting and copacetic , I'm sure.

The common Feyr are born in big cities that are full of turmoil and tension, and the more populated and oppressed the city, the more Feyr will be out and about brain fuggling the night life crowd. Every once in awhile several Feyr will start hanging out, joking about their most delicious meals and how hilarious he/she looked when they boogie-boo'ed so frighteningly. Eventually the small group of Feyr begin to get this strange urge; FOR A ROAD TRIP!  When several Feyr coalesce (looking like an angry mob of octopus brains attacking one another) they become this super creature called a Great Feyr.  Fusing together in this way is not a common practice and it is considered within the Feyr community as totally scandalous.  But hey, this group of Feyr were leaving anyways, so why all the fuss?  

Great Feyr are desolate and dastardly, much like bored and under-stimulated housewives.  They roam around the countryside, usually towards an exceptionally emotional place like; battle fields, burned villages, or destitute labor force camps looking for their next fateful meal.  The whole world is their overly dramatic playground, in which they manipulate poor unsuspecting humanoids into playing out sick, demented, and horrifying scenarios that create an emotional smorgasbord for the Great Feyr. These monstrosities are usually invisible, immune to sunlight, and cause unimaginable negative feelings to any nearby population.  Stay away from these toxic, unforgiving creatures.  They are jerks.

In short; the Feyr aren't so bad if you can past the initial "I want to eat your terror" thing and if you happen to be herding around outside your big city with a bunch of limey nay-sayers; whistle while you work, in hopes to ward off big ol' meany pants Great Feyrs.  Thank you, Good bye!

MYCONID

Official Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual II by Jim Holloway

Based on the Picture Alone

The friendliest mushroom people there ever were, the Myconid roam the broccoli fields tending it's needs respectfully.  They take their job quite seriously but will always stop and wave excitedly if you happen to pass by their small but well worked lands.  These creatures have many brilliant colors displayed proudly on the top of their heads which helps larger animals know where they are, as to refrain from stepping on them. These tiny giants are a whopping 3ft tall, their stride through the broccoli rows are reminiscent of a proper giant traipsing through a forest.

These beautiful creatures mate by touching their caps, or pileus, gingerly and gently spinning, touching cap to cap, as if in a perpetual dance.  They are sexually free to tap caps with any of the other Myconid although males do not produce enough spores for a colony.  On a darker note; headbutting happens both accidentally and on rare occasions aggressively which is a form of sexual assault.  In shame, for both parties, many males and some females will break off a chunk of their cap.  It is impolite to assume that a chunk was taken out this way, so don't stare.

The lady Myconid aren't as mobile as males; It is possible for them to walk but we can have that nature/nurture/social injustice argument later.  If you pulled a female Myconid (which would be very rude), you would a see malnourished, emaciated and waifish bottom half and their top half is absolutely gorgeous with spectral coloration, luring other Myconids to increase diversity in their colonies.

After Consulting the Text

These bashful little guys are a rare sight because they live in very specific underground lairs. Conditions must be perfect; dark, moist, and full of hallucinatory fungi.  The Myconid follow a very set schedule containing 8 hour increments of  rest, farming, melding.  Hallucinating, also known as melding, for several hours in a group, or circle, of 20.  Sounds like a happening party, right?  Sadly they have to elect the tallest fellow to be the lonely king, to brew potions and babysit the party.

No touchy the shroomy loonies!  Myconids have spongy flesh that will poison animal flesh and I'm pretty sure they consider you an animal (I do).  All Myconids easily spew specialized spores that cause damage but they don't really want to hurt anyone, promise.

Hope you've enjoyed my fun little game of make-believe.  Sorry I haven't been around, I've been super busy with my button business Ambiguous Insignias; The Wearable Weird  at www.ambiguousinsignias.com Thanks for the love!

GRELL

Grell, Fiend Folio (1981), Illustration by Russ Nicholson

Based on the Picture Alone

The Grell are mud bathing, cackling, bird-brainapuses that consistently say things like "Duuude!" and "Woah" in between their other frankly inarticulate ramblings.  If you were to list every Fiend Folio monster's most annoying attribute and ranked them, the Grell would have at least two spots in the top five.  The only intelligent thing they seem to do, which has obviously evolved instinctively, is mud bathing because much like the pig they don't have sweat glands and a big brain needs to keep cool.  If you'd like to meet one of these guys bring a sixer of brewski's to the closest mud pit and hoot, holler and shout like a total idiot until one shows up to join the party.  

"Duuude, guess what I had for dinner?"
 So do not want to know, thanks. Yuck'o gross. 

These Grell eat and disgustingly enjoy tadpoles. Frogs somehow completely disgust the Grell but the frog babies are like the shallot cream cheese on an everything bagel: it just doesn't make sense that something so simple could be so delicious.  I have no speculation to why these partially-formed creatures are so delicious, really. They aren't adverse to eating worms and other slimey-wimey gross things for subsistence's sake but prefer "and irritatingly only talk about" eating tadpoles.

The one possibly-redeeming quality of these creatures is that their ladyfolk are equally as shameful and ignorant as the men. "Here, here; for monster gender equality!" Their mating practices take tentacle porn to an exciting new level; just imagine a giant brain being fingered (or tentacled) by a bunch of sticky but slimy purple tentacles.  The sounds they make during coitus are possibly the most horrifying thing about them.  Listen to the mixing of bubble wrap popping and wet, blood curdling bird of prey screeches and you might get an inkling of the messed up, terrifyingly erotic sound.

After Consulting the Text

These guys have a beak, 5' diameter brain lobes, and 10 6' tentacles wiggling around under them which lend to their freaky hovering ability.  The most likely place to run into one of these ghastly creatures is underground or in abandoned buildings, floating near the ceiling waiting for you. Sadly these ugly beasts can only really attack one opponent at a time, wrapping their tentacles around them and injecting their prey with paralyzing venom.  The kickass part of their attack is when its prey rolls satisfactorily on it's saving throw, check it; the Grell still has 2 tentacles attached to you! What?!  You will be very lucky to get away alive.  Plus the only way to kill a Grell is by hitting it's massive brain body, hitting a tentacle does nothing but make it inoperative.

On an end note: grell totally sounds like a curse word. As in, "you grelling toad." Or that could just be the Farscape talking. The End.

AARAKOCRA

in Katie speak: The "airr-a-car-car"

Aarakocra, Fiend Folio (1981), Illustration by Jeff Dee

Based on the Picture Alone

The Aarakocra is the thinkingest monster of them all. They just stand around looking stoic, scratching their heads and quivering their arm feathers. Their neat-o anisodactyl feet make it easier to read hair product manuals and weird encyclopedias with their feet. You might catch them hanging around all sloth like reading their life away in the trees.

The males of this species have an amazing amount of balls just hanging in one huge lump!  The mating season is chocked full of high pitched screeching, rainbow colored feathers, and big sweaty balls. Don't stare... they are not going to do anything about you staring, it's just not healthy.

NEVER ask an Aarakocra a question! They will give you the longest string of factual nonsense you will ever hear in your life.  I once overheard one talking about snail juice and how it evolved from hot lava... I don't get it!?  Where did you get that dumpster brain, SON?  No one really knows why they adapted such a large memory bank; maybe they were sick of being the stupid ca-cawing butt of jokes?

After Consulting the Text

The Aarakocra are super rare Bird-Mens.  They live in small tribes and fly around a 10,000 square mile radius!  The birdies don't have a very good perception of which animals are domestic and which animals are wild, so you better keep your prized bunny rabbit inside at night. 

After reading a bit about them instead of just making stuff up, I find that these guys are really mountainous birdmen.  You probably shouldn't get near their hands when they are on the ground, grabby and scratchy, when in flight the hands lock into place and are basically immobile.  Also, the actual term for their feet is pamprodactyl, or basically it can move that back toe up to the front three toes! WHAT?!?!  It's pretty awesome.

Get this; these guys have a super +4 hit probability attack that does not one, but two double damage (that's extra awesome damage(and I do realize I wrote two double damage, but I'm rolling with it)). This attack involves two shiny spear heads on wooden sticks!  Better watch out, otherwise you'll have 50-80 lbs of lean bird meats in your face.  Just FYI, these birdies can carry a LOAD of weight (1,500 g.p. or 150 pounds) and they just might pick you up and drop you.

The poor lady bird-womens get stuck 8 months out of the year chillaxing with eggs, making weapons and such, so if you want a lady with patience have at 'em?  Sadly, their women are super lame; sorry for your loss, aarakocras. 

I'm done.  I've had enough of these sexist bird-mens. Hopefully the next nest of monsters is a little more vag-friendly.