Tuesday, April 1, 2014


in Katie speak: The "airr-a-car-car"

Aarakocra, Fiend Folio (1981), Illustration by Jeff Dee

Based on the Picture Alone

The Aarakocra is the thinkingest monster of them all. They just stand around looking stoic, scratching their heads and quivering their arm feathers. Their neat-o anisodactyl feet make it easier to read hair product manuals and weird encyclopedias with their feet. You might catch them hanging around all sloth like reading their life away in the trees.

The males of this species have an amazing amount of balls just hanging in one huge lump!  The mating season is chocked full of high pitched screeching, rainbow colored feathers, and big sweaty balls. Don't stare... they are not going to do anything about you staring, it's just not healthy.

NEVER ask an Aarakocra a question! They will give you the longest string of factual nonsense you will ever hear in your life.  I once overheard one talking about snail juice and how it evolved from hot lava... I don't get it!?  Where did you get that dumpster brain, SON?  No one really knows why they adapted such a large memory bank; maybe they were sick of being the stupid ca-cawing butt of jokes?

After Consulting the Text

The Aarakocra are super rare Bird-Mens.  They live in small tribes and fly around a 10,000 square mile radius!  The birdies don't have a very good perception of which animals are domestic and which animals are wild, so you better keep your prized bunny rabbit inside at night. 

After reading a bit about them instead of just making stuff up, I find that these guys are really mountainous birdmen.  You probably shouldn't get near their hands when they are on the ground, grabby and scratchy, when in flight the hands lock into place and are basically immobile.  Also, the actual term for their feet is pamprodactyl, or basically it can move that back toe up to the front three toes! WHAT?!?!  It's pretty awesome.

Get this; these guys have a super +4 hit probability attack that does not one, but two double damage (that's extra awesome damage(and I do realize I wrote two double damage, but I'm rolling with it)). This attack involves two shiny spear heads on wooden sticks!  Better watch out, otherwise you'll have 50-80 lbs of lean bird meats in your face.  Just FYI, these birdies can carry a LOAD of weight (1,500 g.p. or 150 pounds) and they just might pick you up and drop you.

The poor lady bird-womens get stuck 8 months out of the year chillaxing with eggs, making weapons and such, so if you want a lady with patience have at 'em?  Sadly, their women are super lame; sorry for your loss, aarakocras. 

I'm done.  I've had enough of these sexist bird-mens. Hopefully the next nest of monsters is a little more vag-friendly.

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