Tuesday, April 8, 2014


Grell, Fiend Folio (1981), Illustration by Russ Nicholson

Based on the Picture Alone

The Grell are mud bathing, cackling, bird-brainapuses that consistently say things like "Duuude!" and "Woah" in between their other frankly inarticulate ramblings.  If you were to list every Fiend Folio monster's most annoying attribute and ranked them, the Grell would have at least two spots in the top five.  The only intelligent thing they seem to do, which has obviously evolved instinctively, is mud bathing because much like the pig they don't have sweat glands and a big brain needs to keep cool.  If you'd like to meet one of these guys bring a sixer of brewski's to the closest mud pit and hoot, holler and shout like a total idiot until one shows up to join the party.  
"Duuude, guess what I had for dinner?"
 So do not want to know, thanks. Yuck'o gross. 

These Grell eat and disgustingly enjoy tadpoles. Frogs somehow completely disgust the Grell but the frog babies are like the shallot cream cheese on an everything bagel: it just doesn't make sense that something so simple could be so delicious.  I have no speculation to why these partially-formed creatures are so delicious, really. They aren't adverse to eating worms and other slimey-wimey gross things for subsistence's sake but prefer "and irritatingly only talk about" eating tadpoles.

The one possibly-redeeming quality of these creatures is that their ladyfolk are equally as shameful and ignorant as the men. "Here, here; for monster gender equality!" Their mating practices take tentacle porn to an exciting new level; just imagine a giant brain being fingered (or tentacled) by a bunch of sticky but slimy purple tentacles.  The sounds they make during coitus are possibly the most horrifying thing about them.  Listen to the mixing of bubble wrap popping and wet, blood curdling bird of prey screeches and you might get an inkling of the messed up, terrifyingly erotic sound.

After Consulting the Text

These guys have a beak, 5' diameter brain lobes, and 10 6' tentacles wiggling around under them which lend to their freaky hovering ability.  The most likely place to run into one of these ghastly creatures is underground or in abandoned buildings, floating near the ceiling waiting for you. Sadly these ugly beasts can only really attack one opponent at a time, wrapping their tentacles around them and injecting their prey with paralyzing venom.  The kickass part of their attack is when its prey rolls satisfactorily on it's saving throw, check it; the Grell still has 2 tentacles attached to you! What?!  You will be very lucky to get away alive.  Plus the only way to kill a Grell is by hitting it's massive brain body, hitting a tentacle does nothing but make it inoperative.

On an end note: grell totally sounds like a curse word. As in, "you grelling toad." Or that could just be the Farscape talking. The End.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014


in Katie speak: The "airr-a-car-car"

Aarakocra, Fiend Folio (1981), Illustration by Jeff Dee

Based on the Picture Alone

The Aarakocra is the thinkingest monster of them all. They just stand around looking stoic, scratching their heads and quivering their arm feathers. Their neat-o anisodactyl feet make it easier to read hair product manuals and weird encyclopedias with their feet. You might catch them hanging around all sloth like reading their life away in the trees.

The males of this species have an amazing amount of balls just hanging in one huge lump!  The mating season is chocked full of high pitched screeching, rainbow colored feathers, and big sweaty balls. Don't stare... they are not going to do anything about you staring, it's just not healthy.

NEVER ask an Aarakocra a question! They will give you the longest string of factual nonsense you will ever hear in your life.  I once overheard one talking about snail juice and how it evolved from hot lava... I don't get it!?  Where did you get that dumpster brain, SON?  No one really knows why they adapted such a large memory bank; maybe they were sick of being the stupid ca-cawing butt of jokes?

After Consulting the Text

The Aarakocra are super rare Bird-Mens.  They live in small tribes and fly around a 10,000 square mile radius!  The birdies don't have a very good perception of which animals are domestic and which animals are wild, so you better keep your prized bunny rabbit inside at night. 

After reading a bit about them instead of just making stuff up, I find that these guys are really mountainous birdmen.  You probably shouldn't get near their hands when they are on the ground, grabby and scratchy, when in flight the hands lock into place and are basically immobile.  Also, the actual term for their feet is pamprodactyl, or basically it can move that back toe up to the front three toes! WHAT?!?!  It's pretty awesome.

Get this; these guys have a super +4 hit probability attack that does not one, but two double damage (that's extra awesome damage(and I do realize I wrote two double damage, but I'm rolling with it)). This attack involves two shiny spear heads on wooden sticks!  Better watch out, otherwise you'll have 50-80 lbs of lean bird meats in your face.  Just FYI, these birdies can carry a LOAD of weight (1,500 g.p. or 150 pounds) and they just might pick you up and drop you.

The poor lady bird-womens get stuck 8 months out of the year chillaxing with eggs, making weapons and such, so if you want a lady with patience have at 'em?  Sadly, their women are super lame; sorry for your loss, aarakocras. 

I'm done.  I've had enough of these sexist bird-mens. Hopefully the next nest of monsters is a little more vag-friendly.